


The Tachyon Machine

by YouwillRuetheday



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Dancetale, F/M, Fluff, It might be though., Please Don't Hate Me, Pre-Frisk, THIS IS GOING TO BE HELLA WEIRD, THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK, Zany, but its sans/papyrus, it says f/m, kind of, light fontcest, terrible, this is on purpose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-03 23:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10261106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouwillRuetheday/pseuds/YouwillRuetheday
Summary: Before Frisk came... Sans had a machine. He thought he could make things go back to how they used to be. He was very wrong.





	1. This is why we can't have nice things.

"HMMM," Papyrus stroked his chin as he gazed over his charcoal shaded pasta. "I AM NOT SURE WHAT IT IS, BUT SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG HERE... AHA!" His brow furled. "I FORGOT TO OBTAIN TOMATO SAUCE... WELL, THIS WILL HAVE TO DO!" He reached over for Sans' ketchup bottle and emptied its contents into the black mess of noodles. "NOW FOR THE FINAL PAPYRUS TOUCH... A DASH OF PAPRIKA!" He ran in place as he shook the paprika bottle over his spaghetti dish, unaware of what 'dash' meant in the context of cooking.  
  
"PERFECT. NOW TO GET SANS HERE TO TRY IT OUT. I AM SURE JUST AS BEFORE HE WILL HAVE TROUBLE CONTAINING HIS JOY... I SHOULD PREPARE THE MOP JUST IN CASE HE LEAKS AGAIN." Papyrus chuckled to himself, marveling at his work. "SANS IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME, MASTER CHEF PAPYRUS, AS HIS BROTHER. I SUPPOSE I WILL SHOUT FOR HIM."  
  
Papyrus took a deep breath and shouted, "SANS!"  
  
With his exclamation, he heard an explosion in the living room. Papyrus rushed out of the kitchen and spotted Sans laying on the couch, dirty with debris and with a whirling expression in his eye sockets. There was now a giant hole in the wall where the TV had been. Then, Papyrus noticed the saddest portion of the scene. He ran over and kneeled above the remains of his CRT television.  
  
"NOOO! HOW WILL I WATCH MY MTT SHOWS NOW?"  
  
His cries were interrupted as he heard a woman's voice coughing from inside the hole in his living room wall. Papyrus looked and tried to identify the source, but dust and small debris from the explosion obscured his vision. Yet, he was able to make out a silhouette. A very familiar looking silhouette. The kind he practiced in front of a mirror for the day he ever met a human.  
  
"SANS, THAT IS A RATHER... PAPYRUS-Y SILHOUETTE-"  
  
At that, the mysterious figure threw their hand up and laughed into the back of it. "Nyoh hoh hoh! I see my reputation proceeds me." Suddenly, Papyrus could see their scarf fluttering in the wind, though there wasn't any. "I also see that I am in an unknown location! No matter, for I, The Great Papyrus, am always prepared for danger! I see a couple of monsters, nyoh hoh hoh... couldn't wait to meet me so you elected to summon me? I do not blame you. I am quite the popular woman. I never wonder what it is like to have friends. Well then, monsters! I will give you the fight you want! Once I have defeated you, I will bring you back home and present you to the royal guard for kidnapping me... I hope you are ready!"  
  
A green soul popped out from their chest, causing the dust to swirl around it and finally settle. In front of the bone brothers was a girl not much shorter than Papyrus. Her skin was a light tanned color, offset by her short, white hair and blue eyes. She wore a giant, red bow and matching red scarf. She wore a shirt that showcased her midriff and flat abs, with a pair of blue daisy dukes, and brown boots. She raised up a hand, wearing fingerless red gloves, and pointed to the brothers. "I will warn you... I've never been bested in a fight! And I never will!"

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY NAME, TOO, IS PAPYRUS. AND I, TOO, HAVE NEVER BEEN BESTED!"

"Touche, then we shall have to settle this!" The human Papyrus raised her pointed finger to the ceiling. "Please drop a 'funky' beat!" Then she began to shake her shoulders up and down in an alternating pattern as she snapped her fingers. As the human continued to shake her shoulders, music could be heard. Papyrus looked around and could not find its source. When he turned his attention back to the human, she had begun to shake her hips and dance in tiny steps.

"WHAT MANNER OF ATTACK IS THIS?"

"Behold, this is my fabled special attack!" She danced around Papyrus. His pale monster soul popped out and became blue. "That's my attack!"

"INTERESTING! ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU MY OWN ATTACK!" Papyrus tried to shoot out bones, but only a few of them appeared.

"Nyoh hoh hoh, I see you don't understand!" She swung her arms in the air as she dodged the bones that did manifest expertly. "You must attack me to the rhythm of the beat!"

"GASP! THEN TRY THIS!" He attacked her and tried to match the bone appearances to the music.

It was at this point that Sans began to stir. He put his hand to his head, as if to steady his vision. He saw Papyrus facing off against... a cosplayer? A human cosplayer? Were they dancing? What?

At some point, Papyrus began to tap his feet to the music, and with that the human Papyrus smirked. Eventually, he stopped attaching and danced with her. He mirrored her exactly after a few moments.

"OH NO, THIS RHYTHM... IT'S CONTAGIOUS!!!"

At the end of the song, they both dabbed. They were covered in sweat and breathing hard. They looked at each other.

"OH MY GOD!" They shouted in unison. "YOU MUST BE... MY CLONE!!!"

"..." Sans looked from one Papyrus to the other. What had he done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE SONG IS UPTOWN FUNK. YES, THIS IS A HORRIBLE STORY. YES, I'M SORRY. I WILL NEVER UPDATE THIS AGAIN. MAYBE.


	2. Two Skulls are better than One

"let me get this straight," Sans took in a deep breath as he sat across from both his little brother Papyrus and this human claiming to also be named Papyrus. "you say your name is Papyrus."

"Indeed, monster! I-"

"and you have a big sister named sans." He raised a brow bone.

"That is correct. I-"

"and where you are from, humans with magic got shoved underground with the rest of the monsters."

"If you would allow me to clarify-" The female Papyrus gave a nervous smile and reached out a hand.

"and you are helping collect human souls, because your soul doesn't actually persist for that long postmortem." Sans closed his eye sockets as they twitched.

"Does he always do this?" Female Papyrus asked Papyrus.

"YES. HE IS QUITE LONG WINDED." Papyrus frowned. "OH, WHAT AM I TO DO WITH A BROTHER THAT IS SO SELF-ABSORBED!"

Suddenly, Sans burst out laughing. "oh man... so my machine worked... it just didn't work the way i thought it would!"

He laughed deeply.

He laughed maniacally. 

He laughed so much that Papyrus escorted the female Papyrus to his room.

 

"No offense, other me," Female Papyrus posed with her hands on her hips as Papyrus closed his bedroom door to shelter them from his brother's laughter. "But I think there is something deeply wrong with your brother."

"NO OFFENSE TAKEN, OTHER ME!" Papyrus smiled and waved the worry away. "MY BROTHER HAS BEEN LIKE THAT LATELY. HE STARTS TO HAVE THESE STRANGE GIGGLING FITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN I AM TRYING TO TAKE MY DAILY NAP!"

"How rude of him," Female Papyrus lamented. "My sister has been doing strange things like that lately too. The nerve!"

"YES, YES, WELL," Papyrus nodded. "WE SHOULD DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT MATTER..."

"Oh, I see, you are right..." She nodded with him.

"YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR NAME!" They both shouted in unison.

"Why should I change my name? My name is Papyrus! Papyrus is a perfectly pontificated pseudonym for me!"

"YOU DO HAVE A POINT," Papyrus stroked his chin. "HOWEVER... YOU ARE HERE IN MY WORLD, WHERE I ALREADY AM. I THINK IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT I KEEP MY NAME."

"You do have a point," She stroked her chin in unison with him. They both held their eyes closed, deep in whatever thoughts they had.

"OH, I KNOW," they shouted together. "YOU/I SHOULD CHANGE YOUR/MY NAME TO SOMETHING VERY PAPYRUS-Y."

"ARE YOU THINKING... WHAT I'M THINKING?" Papyrus grinned widened.

"Surely, I am... but are you thinking what I'm thinking that you're thinking is really what I'm thinking?" She retorted.

"OH HO HO... I KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING." He nodded.

Together they took a deep breath and shouted, "SANS!!!"

On cue, he walked into the room. He looked very unhinged, as he was trying to muffle his own, sad laughter.

"WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU, BROTHER." Papyrus pointed at his brother.

"Yes, this is an important development, and you need to be kept in the loop!" Female Papyrus nodded.

"oh... and what is that?"

"THIS HUMAN PAPYRUS, WHILE SHE HAS AN EXCELLENT NAME... WELL, IT IS MY NAME."

"And thusly, I shall henceforth be known as..."

Papyrus and Female Papyrus came close together, and he twirled her in his arms and leaned her backward until her face dropped to Sans' level.

"PAPRIKA!" They shouted, speckles of Paprika's spite flecked onto Sans' face.

"paprika, huh?" Sans closed his eyes and took a deep breath and felt the dread overtake him. When his sockets opened again, they were darkened. "guess you are gonna..."

"DON'T," Papyrus shouted.

"... _spice_ up our life."

Sans ran away from the pair of Papyruses with a sprint in his step as they NYEH HEH HEH'd angrily behind him. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad? There were twice as many people to annoy now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry... I updated...  
> ... sorry... oh... I'm the worst...


	3. But does it blend?

That night, Sans reluctantly tucked both Papyrus and Paprika in the red, race car bed in his brother's room. Initially, he was against it as he wasn't so sure about having a girl sleep in the same bed with his brother, but watching how the two interacted like twin siblings, he relaxed somewhat. Paprika and Papyrus had spent the entire day practicing magic indoors, per Sans' request. If Paprika got spotted by the local members of the royal guard, Sans would have a lot of hell to pay with the new captain. She was loud, obnoxious, and in general, too active for Sans' tastes.   
  
Once the two fell asleep, within minutes of his reading, Sans traveled downstairs and through the hole in his living room. He'd need to repair that wall eventually, but that was a problem for future Sans. Right now, Sans assessed the damage. His machine, thank goodness, was still in one piece. What had caused the destructive force that blew Sans away through the wall and into the living room? Sans knew it was his magic that destroyed the wall just in time before his body nearly shattered into pieces against the wall. The use of the blasters always made him take a heavy nap, causing him to apparently miss part of Paprika's opening speech. He pressed a hand against his growing ketchup gut. Sans needed to figure something out, or he might get dusted someday by any punk who could last longer than 10 minutes.

Another problem for future Sans, he figured.

His eye flickered blue as he used his magic to help him clear up his lab. As he worked, organizing debris into a single pile on the floor. Once he was finished, he could feel the drain even just his blue magic put upon him. He decided to call it a night for himself, and crept upstairs to his room.

The room was incredibly dark, but he deftly maneuvered around his self-sustained trashnado, the treadmill Papyrus had gifted him one year, and the pile of socks by his bed. He crawled into his bed and breathed in deeply. His sheets smelled so fresh and lovely, and felt so crisp against his bone- 

"huh?" Sans shot up and felt around his bed. The bed... it was made. The sheets... they were clean. How? Only Sans could unlock the door to his room.

Then he felt a lump next to him, and a soft, girlish sigh escaped from that same lump. Sans blinked his blue eye on, and the light let him see Paprika under a blanket. She was facing him, her wrists up by her head as she laid on her back. What was she doing here? Her eyes opened slowly and she gave him a small smile. "I had a nightmare, big brother, can I sleep here with you? I didn't realize other me snored... I hope I don't snore like that."  
  
In the other room, as if on queue, Sans could hear his brother snoring "NYEH... NYEH... NYEH..."

At that, Sans chuckled. Papyrus used to ask to sleep in his bed all the time when they were younger. Perhaps this Papyrus was just a bit more delicate? He shrugged, too tired to really argue. He clicked his light off in his head as he laid above the sheets and faced away from her. "sure thing, kiddo. g'night."

"Thanks, big brother," Paprika rustled up against Sans' back and wrapped her arms around him suddenly. Sans was pulled into a deep embrace and could feel her chest against the back of his skull. 

For a moment, he felt a bit weird, but soon he drifted off into sleep.

 

The next morning, Sans woke to a disturbing sound. It sounded like someone was murdering a robot in the kitchen... then he remembered. Alphys had been working on some sort of anti-human functionality with Mettaton. Sans jumped from his bed and rushed downstairs. As he turned the corner to look into the kitchen, he shouted, "paprika, you okay!?"

Instead of carnage, Sans saw Papyrus and Paprika hiding behind a table as a bunch of forks were thrashing around inside of a blender. His face went flat as the interdimensional twins looked at each other and simultaneously shouted, "IT WAS HER/HIS IDEA!"

"really... why are either of you blending the forks?" Sans slapped his forehead with his palm. He had been enjoying a great dream up until then. The blender stopped.

"Well, big brother..." Paprika started as she repeated had her index fingers poke each other. "Papyrus and I watched a funny video Alphys sent him on Undernet..."

"IT'S TRUE," Papyrus admitted as he imitated Paprika's gesture. "WE JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IN THIS HOME WOULD BLEND."

"what? what are you even talking about?"

Paprika and Papyrus showed him the post from Alphys. 

 

ALPHYS: lul check out this vid i managed to pull from this harddrive. humans on the surface have the weirdest shows!! XD

 

What followed was a video of a human in a fake lab coat trying to blend various objects in their blender in a simple show, entitled "But will it blend?"

"huh... humans will really watch anything. no standards, that's for sure..." Sans noted to himself while Paprika and Papyrus laughed at the video for probably the tenth time that day.

"I have an idea!" Paprika shouted as the video ended.

"WOWIE!!! ME TOO!" Papyrus shouted after Paprika. They both ran up into their bedroom.

Sans shrugged and shouted after them, "i'm going to grillbys. want anything?"

They both responded negatively, "NO!!!!" With another shrug, Sans walked out the front door.

 

"OKAY, ARE YOU SURE THIS VIDEO WILL CAPTURE US BOTH?" Papyrus folded his arms. In the camera, his head was completely cut off from the screen.

"Of course, Papyrus! Do you really think there is a talent we do not possess?" Paprika stood by him, completely in the view of the camera. 

"TRUE... ANYWAY! LET US FILM OUR SHOW!!!!!!!!!"

On the video, they blended various things. Spoons, fruits, spaghetti, discs, and even some action figures Papyrus was willing to give up for science. Once they were done filming, they ran upstairs and began to edit the video to the best of their amateur abilities. After a moment, they uploaded the video to the Undernet. Within minutes, there were hundreds of hits on the video.

"WOWIE! WE ARE GOING TO BE SO POPULAR! POPULAR POPULAR!" They swung with each other as more comments came in than they could read.

 

ALPHYS: ????????  
NAPSTABLOOK22: oh cool...  
Sn0wy: Uhhh, is that what I think it is?  
...hundreds of messages later...  
StrongFish91: WHO IS THIS TWERP? WHERE DO THEY LIVE? MESSAGE ME IF YOU KNOW... - Royal Guard


End file.
